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When do you most feel like you? Where do you feel that space in your body?
These are questions I’ve been exploring lately. Did I ever get a chance to feel ‘like me’? It was only ever a hypervigilance about how others felt so that I could be a me that wouldn’t be somehow an irritant and a ‘failure’ and object of derision and punishment. Trying to find how I feel has meant many months of sleeping and healing old hurts and allowing myself to feel what’s in my body, moment to moment… and learning to notice changes and what they might signal. I’m feeling an opening in my heart – an opening to each moment and what’s before me.. and an unclenching of the tight ball in my gut.. a softening, allowing of deep breathing and awareness of the beauty here and now.
Special times of feeling most like me are in the company of friends who are like me.. friends who get it, who don’t judge, who see me underneath my anxious behaviours and clumsy communication. I feel that in my arms… the feeling of wanting to hug them, to stay connected, to keep sharing our safe space. But I carry them in my heart too, and I’m learning that I only need to think of them to feel how they affirm and celebrate the real me.