Reply To: Day 4

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I had already written a response to this prompt in here but I think I forgot to scroll down to SUBMIT. Same with the next prompt. SO I’m writing again, it’s 1:40am and I am way over tired so my writing might be quite scrambled.

When I express my feelings They say I’m over reacting. I need to step back. I need to let things happen and let other people sort things out. To leave them to get on with it.

They are actually telling me to ignore my feelings, my “knowing” about things. Don’t see, don’t say, let it go, don’t rock the boat. They want it made easy for them. They are telling me, “Don’t tell me how you feel because I don’t want to see. I don’t want to feel I have to take action. Just be quiet. ”

I’m in the space now of not being gaslit by them. So if I’m not dismissing me, if I’ve stopped doing that but they still are, how do I navigate that? I’m watching abuse that no one else is seeing. I’m watching my mum newly widowed elderly mum play out her marriage with her visiting youngest son who still can’t leave to return to his interstate home because of covid regulations. I’m watching my brother be the bully that my father was. Ha. That’s it. Bully in the family home again. Leaving ME feeing child like and helpless

It’s ME who is feeling so helpless, not my mum. She’s exhausted and in shock and devastated. She’s appearing helpless but she’s a narcissist and she always wants others to fight her battles. Yep, MY feelings are real. My revulsion at being near him is accurate.

I made the mistake of speaking out to Them, to sharing my feelings. I forgot I would have my feelings dismissed, ignored, diminished. I forgot to look after me. My feelings are real and accurate. I’m going to love, respect, value and clearly see and hear myself.The confusion and static I fall into so easily in this time of grief is a family system designed to keep me down and repressed and in my place. It’s so, so sad. SO sad that I don’t know what to do with that pain.

I love some of my family? I don’t actually like them.

SO what does that say about my experience of love?

I hold that in my body and see books being stacked up. Knowledge. I’m learning.