Day 12

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    Leanne Matton

    A child in time

    “I was the dandelion amongst roses.
    I was never anyone’s first choice.
    But nonetheless I still bloomed.
    And that was enough for me.”

    Kelsey Gustafsson

    Many of us feel like orphans in one way or another. This is usually because a part of us still holds the trauma and grief of a younger version of ourselves.

    It is possible to reclaim that part, to give her what she needed back then but never received. Doing this can make us feel more whole and complete.

    Find a photograph of yourself as a child. If you don’t have a photo, draw her, or some symbol of her. Spend some time really looking at your child self. What is the child in the image thinking and feeling? What are her wishes and hopes?

    What would you like to say to her? If she needs to grieve, how would you support her in this? If she needs to rage, how would you make space for her to do this? What else does she need?

    Write a letter to the child you from the current adult you. Let her know you hear her. Write to her about what lies ahead and what you would like to tell her.


    Dear 8 year old Leanne

    You are going to have to make it alone. There is no-one who will really listen to what’s going on in this family, everyone is too afraid to acknowledge it’s true or see the full extent of it.

    You can tell people but they will let you down if you expect them to step in and rescue you. The truth is everyone knows anyway – your relatives know, they talk about it between themselves.

    They’ll tell you this one day when you’re much older, but in the meantime they’ll spend their time trying to convince you it’s not as bad as it is. They do this because they honestly believe it helps you, but of course it just makes you feel more alone and more abandoned.

    The teachers of the future would be obligated to report the welts on your legs and your falling grades but your teachers turn a blind eye because they don’t know what to do and don’t want to cause any drama.

    The neighbours hear you screaming for help but they just turn the tv up louder, they don’t know what to do either, so they just talk about it amongst themselves like the relatives do.

    You’re on your own, but you ARE going to make it – you know why? Because none of these behaviours are a reflection on you. Everything that goes on around you reflects the shortcomings of others, not you.

    People don’t deny it’s happening because you’re worthless, they deny it because they don’t know what to do.

    Your mother isn’t treating you like this because you’re bad, she’s doing it because she has a black shadow across her heart and she feels threatened by your light.

    Your father isn’t taking her side because she’s right, he’s doing that to spare himself and keep his marriage.

    You really are quite invisible in all this, but please don’t let that make you think you’ll always be invisible or that you don’t matter. You have a great deal to offer this world, God has given you many gifts and talents and they’re all just waiting to be expressed one day when you’re surrounded by the sort of people who will really see you for who you are and treasure you for it, if you let them.

    God will show you the way out – when you’re 18 He’ll reveal himself to you. There’s still a way to go even then, but at least you’ll be led out of this darkness.

    When you leave school, you won’t have any social network, any career direction, or any support system. But don’t let that make you despair, because you have so much resilience and God will open the door of the cage.

    Although you don’t believe it now, you will marry, you will live overseas, you will travel extensively, you will go to university and graduate with excellent grades, you will be able to take your pick of employment, and eventually you’ll start your own successful business doing what you love and making a positive impact on the people you touch.

    You will learn to play piano, you’ll learn to ride horses, you’ll rediscover your love of nature and you’ll buy your own house by the ocean. What I want you to keep in mind is that the world wants to hear from you, the world wants you to write your books and draw your animals and speak your wisdom out loud.

    Even though you never got to explore these things at school, you ARE an artist, you ARE a writer, you ARE a musician, you ARE a healer. Just don’t stay hidden or the world will never know these things about you and will miss out on benefiting from them.

    Do not let your early experiences of the world colour your view of it. Don’t buy into those stories, don’t believe they mean anything about you. Just learn from those experiences and see them simply as a means of developing a deep compassion for others who have suffered.

    You are here to make a difference and bring more love and beauty into this world – but only if you shine your light brightly. I know these people have almost extinguished your light but they will never put it out altogether.

    You’ve just had to shut it down so you don’t shine more brightly than those who live in the shadows and feel threatened by your light. This is a temporary measure. God wanted you to be here – you were almost aborted, but you weren’t, you almost died at birth, but you didn’t. You are here for a reason.

    Follow this guidance and you will never feel alone again. You are loved and always have been.

    All my love,
    Leanne (2019)

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